Call of (sex) duty
Are wives obligated to have sex with their husbands whether they want to or not?
For weeks now, X users have been debating “duty sex”—that is to say, whether a wife is obligated to “get her husband off” a certain amount as part of the marriage contract (and what should happen should she fail at this obligation).
The “certain amount” expectation seems to range from about 2-3 times a week, which sounds reasonable, unless of course you are married to someone you don’t like very much or are busy. The “expectation” aspect of the debate is one among many things men do not understand about women and their sexual inclinations.
To “expect” sex is inherently unsexy and is an automatic turnoff. The moment you start whining or complaining about not getting sex is the moment you are most likely absolutely not going to get sex. When a woman knows you expect it, she’s probably not going to want to do it, and if she does, she is likely to feel resentful or gross about the whole thing (also an unsexy feeling).
Men also seem not to understand how boring-to-gross-to-rapey unwanted sex feels for women, partly because men almost always want sex (sorry if you feel huffy hearing this, but in my experience it is true).
Women’s bodies do not take well to penetration that happens when we aren’t actually turned on. It is uncomfortable, can be painful, and often feels like a violation. Putting your boner in a woman is never going to feel like a violation. You can argue that it feels bad, if, like, you didn’t want to for some reason, but did it anyway, but it’s not going to feel like that vagina violated you. Also, you obviously did want to on some level because you got hard, meaning you were indeed turned on. You can call whatever that feeling is something, if you want to be a baby about it, but it isn’t a violation of your body.
Men of the Internet have argued that they do things they “don’t feel like doing” all the time in relationships, so why can’t a wife give her husband sex or a blow job a few times a week, even if she doesn’t “feel like it.” Well, that’s because having a conversation or going to the grocery store or mowing the lawn or watching a romcom is nothing like being raped. And no, I am not saying you are raping your wife because she’s not 100% “in the mood,” but I am saying that women’s experience of sex, as the receiver, the penetratee, and the more vulnerable party, is much different than men’s experience of sex.
Some men have suggested that if their hypothetical wife declined to sex him as much as he wants to be sexed, he had the right to cheat or stop providing for his family.
This is also a stupid argument, because cheating is a betrayal and a lie. If you want to have sex with someone that isn’t your wife, then you should divorce your wife, not engage in behaviour that is unethical, cruel, and potentially endangers her health. Men will argue that it is unethical and cruel of her to “withhold sex,” which fundamentally misunderstands what is going on when a woman isn’t having sex with her husband or long-term partner. She isn’t doing it to be mean. She’s doing it because she doesn’t feel like it. And it would be in your interest to figure out why, rather than just being a bitch about it.
The last thing that would ever make me want to fuck a man would be if he cheated on me, which, hilariously, is what some men seem to think will “motivate her” to hold up her end of the bargain, as it were.
Likewise, assuming that your wife or girlfriend is intentionally torturing you or “defrauding” you, having “lied” early on in the relationship to “rope you in,” then, being free to go back to not liking sex with you, having locked you down in a marriage, isn’t going to get you anywhere.
First of all, I very much doubt you’re that great a score as a husband if this is your attitude. Second, generally women do marry men they like and are into, sexually. The reality is that, unfortunately for everyone, women’s interest in sex wanes years into monogamous relationships. This is just… normal. I’m sorry. Women’s libidos will magically return once they are in a new relationship, after a breakup or divorce, as evidence of this.
