Do you miss the men? That's on you

The New York Times misses men, but also misses the point.

Men: the New York Times wants to know where you have gone, and would like you to come back. Well, specifically Rachel Drucker, writing for the Times’ Modern Love column, would, in any case.

Rachel is 54 years old and is tired of the men she meets online hiding online. Why won’t a stranger she met on Raya (she fancy) pursue dating her? “Even fleeting connections matter, when they’re mutual and lit from the inside,” she wrote to the stranger, who “hovered — flirting, retreating, offering warmth but no direction.”

The irony of this column is trifold, the most glaring aspect (to me) being that Rachel is complaining about men hiding behind “firewalls, filters, and curated personas, dabbing and scrolling,” while she does the same.

Complaints about modern dating are rife, almost always attached to complaints about online dating, yet never make the obvious connection. The internet is not conducive to connection, and the “connections” you make with would-be prospects on dating apps are not, in fact, “connections.”

Perpetually a broken record, I must insist on telling you all that if you wish to connect with people, you must leave the internet. You must go out into the world and talk, make eye contact, share pheromones, flirt, touch skin perhaps... This is how humans are wired to connect, not by swiping through filtered, one-dimensional faces on a screen. Apps are not a place for connection nor are they a place for accountability. What does a man behind a screen owe you? A date? A returned text? Commitment? Why? Who are you to him? What connection do you have to his life or community? None.