I pray for these men, love is not hopeless. Life is not doomed God and the real world is waiting for them whenever they are ready (hopefully after washing their hands.)
"Today, kids are accessing pornography at 10 or 11 years old. Their sexualities and ability to form relationships with the opposite sex are being shaped by porn, their young brains rewired in ways that are fundamentally anti-human." This is the most disturbing part. I remember the Meese Commission in the 1980s -- it studied the negative impact of pornography on society. Of course, the MSM dismissed all concerns and blamed prudish Christians for foisting their beliefs on the rest of the country. James Dobson served on the commission and said the imagery they had to review was horrendous and haunting. Comparing the 1980s to the proliferation of porn in 2025 can bring one to despair. Thanks for this report, Megyn.
It's a thing people lie to themselves about almost more than anything else, I think... The playing dumb a la "it's just sex" thing blows my mind. Like, we all know it's not that... We all know it's toxic and disgusting...
But even more than that, I feel like it's just ignoring our gut instinct and what we see with our eyes... I think everyone knows, when they see pornography, that this is not a net positive for society, you know what I mean? And I'm not saying everything we do or consume should be, but it's more that I get frustrated with the denial. Obviously a majority of porn is misogynist, toxic, degrading, painful, abusive, and dangerous (sexualizing grown men having sex with teens, etc), so to say "Oh it's just sex between adults, relax," is just bs.
Another sharp, highly quotable analysis. “These young men have entered into a BDSM relationship with Big Tech and the sex industry,” really struck me. I will be able to take your points into conversations. Thanks Meghan.
I came across gay gooning in the late 90’s, and it at least has been done in groups. Before that it was part of HIV/AIDS response to having utterly safe sex. It has a history.
Most the gay men I encountered into it were petrified of contracting HIV/AIDS, and this was the best they could do to have some sort of sex life.
To be honest it reminds me of priests in monasteries, a life utterly devoid of heterosexual sex. There are many ways human men have avoided sex in the last few thousand years.
It was very obscure as a term until the mid 90’s. It seems to have crossed over to heterosexual men in the early 2000’s and now seems to be primarily a way for them to avoid sex.
Gay men did it to survive with a degree of sanity, but the plague is now controlled somewhat.
Heterosexual men, not sure what the plague is for them…
> First, because attractive women, believe it or not, experience broken hearts, rejection, and failed relationships, just like anyone else, but also because ugly loser men get girlfriends and start families all the time.
The first part is true but doesn’t rebut the point that it’s affecting men’s behaviour. Two wrongs don’t cancel out, much less make a right.
As for the second point, that was true under patriarchy for sure, but is it still true? Relationship formation is collapsing.
The steelman rather than the strawman is that men also face new and serious objective consequences for relationship failure that they didn’t before: rape allegations during dating, financial destruction and loss of contact with their children in divorce. Both of those outcomes have become hugely more likely. It could be called a reduction in patriarchy but the objective effects and deterrent effects are real.
Gooning may be a rational strategy for reconciling male sexual desire with current social conditions. Which is extremely depressing. Yes porn is a social evil which needs to be made shameful again and illegal again.
"The steelman rather than the strawman is that men also face new and serious objective consequences for relationship failure that they didn’t before: rape allegations during dating, financial destruction and loss of contact with their children in divorce. Both of those outcomes have become hugely more likely. It could be called a reduction in patriarchy but the objective effects and deterrent effects are real."
I think this is true, but for women there have always been massive risks in terms of entering into relationships and marriage... Abuse, misery, lack of autonomy.... But also if a woman was abandoned by her husband she was fucked for life. More recently, she would get to at least keep the kids, and then she and her kids were fucked.
I find it weak reasoning to say men are afraid of dating and relationships. Like.... there is risk in life... So get hurt feelings... Maybe there is some financial risk... Ok. What's new? Men don't have ALL the control in a relationship so they can't possibly? I thought this was the strong sex? They sound like a bunch of babies making excuses not to grow up and not to live life. It's weird.
Yes men are strong, and tough, and that’s why society has made it this far. But they are not stupid, and that’s why they’re starting to check out of a game that has become rigged against them.
I mean, they're hurting themselves as much as anyone... So many men act like "Well, it serves women right!" But one, that's petty and self-defeating, and two, women could have easily made the same argument for many years....
I’m not sure many women had the option to sit it out back then. Probably a lot would have, if they could. Now, both men and women can just exit the game if they don’t like the odds. You can try to tell them “you’re missing out on so much” but I’m not sure they’re going to believe you when they look at their peers and the world around themselves.
Here’s another way to put it. What advice do we give to young men now, sons, as their parents? 50-100 years ago our advice to daughters was avoid having sex and avoid marrying unless they were really, really sure. Because they got one shot and if it went wrong they were “ruined”. (Variants of this “don’t ruin your life advice are still being given to young women and girls.)
Now the roles are reversed, although culture and biology haven’t caught up with it yet. It’s happened in an evolutionary eyeblink but it’s now boys and young men who can easily ruined by a single sexual encounter or a hasty marriage. Pursuer and pursued have flipped. Both sexes are frustrated by the (straight) dating market that follows: their desires haven’t changed but the range of outcomes has flipped nearly 180. Women don’t like the men on offer because they’ve been mostly demasculinised. Men don’t like the women on offer because they’ve been mostly defeminised. Both sexes have warped expectations. Both have been taught to commodify the other. More so than ever in human history, women are shielded from the downsides by law, government, social mores and technology. More so than ever in human history, men are exposed to objectively greater risks. A “rational actor” might quite reasonably opt out of a game with so many ways to fail.
I honestly don’t know what to advise young men. Probably just to exit the culture and maybe try to find a more traditional culture where male/female differences are valued assets rather than denigrated liabilities.
I think men need to prioritize long term success, pleasure, fulfillment, and happiness over short term dopamine hits, and also that they should reject resentment and bitterness at the opposite sex. I'd suggest the same to women, generally, though I don't think they are suffering from the same dopamine seeking...
Yes but the odds are demonstrably bad for those long term goals, like, really bad, so to me it’s understandable they opt for the low risk dopamine stream. Which then turns them into zombies obviously. Or a middle way is to aim for those long term goals but just not in the company of women.
I pray for these men, love is not hopeless. Life is not doomed God and the real world is waiting for them whenever they are ready (hopefully after washing their hands.)
"Today, kids are accessing pornography at 10 or 11 years old. Their sexualities and ability to form relationships with the opposite sex are being shaped by porn, their young brains rewired in ways that are fundamentally anti-human." This is the most disturbing part. I remember the Meese Commission in the 1980s -- it studied the negative impact of pornography on society. Of course, the MSM dismissed all concerns and blamed prudish Christians for foisting their beliefs on the rest of the country. James Dobson served on the commission and said the imagery they had to review was horrendous and haunting. Comparing the 1980s to the proliferation of porn in 2025 can bring one to despair. Thanks for this report, Megyn.
It's a thing people lie to themselves about almost more than anything else, I think... The playing dumb a la "it's just sex" thing blows my mind. Like, we all know it's not that... We all know it's toxic and disgusting...
YES! I wish they would teach the psychological ramifications in school, not just anatomy and physiology!
But even more than that, I feel like it's just ignoring our gut instinct and what we see with our eyes... I think everyone knows, when they see pornography, that this is not a net positive for society, you know what I mean? And I'm not saying everything we do or consume should be, but it's more that I get frustrated with the denial. Obviously a majority of porn is misogynist, toxic, degrading, painful, abusive, and dangerous (sexualizing grown men having sex with teens, etc), so to say "Oh it's just sex between adults, relax," is just bs.
Another sharp, highly quotable analysis. “These young men have entered into a BDSM relationship with Big Tech and the sex industry,” really struck me. I will be able to take your points into conversations. Thanks Meghan.
The term “gooner” is just such an icepick to the brain
It's really yuck, eh
I came across gay gooning in the late 90’s, and it at least has been done in groups. Before that it was part of HIV/AIDS response to having utterly safe sex. It has a history.
Most the gay men I encountered into it were petrified of contracting HIV/AIDS, and this was the best they could do to have some sort of sex life.
To be honest it reminds me of priests in monasteries, a life utterly devoid of heterosexual sex. There are many ways human men have avoided sex in the last few thousand years.
Ohhh I didn't know that! I'd never heard of the term until relatively recently...
It was very obscure as a term until the mid 90’s. It seems to have crossed over to heterosexual men in the early 2000’s and now seems to be primarily a way for them to avoid sex.
Gay men did it to survive with a degree of sanity, but the plague is now controlled somewhat.
Heterosexual men, not sure what the plague is for them…
Ahhh I see
An important conversation.
> First, because attractive women, believe it or not, experience broken hearts, rejection, and failed relationships, just like anyone else, but also because ugly loser men get girlfriends and start families all the time.
The first part is true but doesn’t rebut the point that it’s affecting men’s behaviour. Two wrongs don’t cancel out, much less make a right.
As for the second point, that was true under patriarchy for sure, but is it still true? Relationship formation is collapsing.
The steelman rather than the strawman is that men also face new and serious objective consequences for relationship failure that they didn’t before: rape allegations during dating, financial destruction and loss of contact with their children in divorce. Both of those outcomes have become hugely more likely. It could be called a reduction in patriarchy but the objective effects and deterrent effects are real.
Gooning may be a rational strategy for reconciling male sexual desire with current social conditions. Which is extremely depressing. Yes porn is a social evil which needs to be made shameful again and illegal again.
"The steelman rather than the strawman is that men also face new and serious objective consequences for relationship failure that they didn’t before: rape allegations during dating, financial destruction and loss of contact with their children in divorce. Both of those outcomes have become hugely more likely. It could be called a reduction in patriarchy but the objective effects and deterrent effects are real."
I think this is true, but for women there have always been massive risks in terms of entering into relationships and marriage... Abuse, misery, lack of autonomy.... But also if a woman was abandoned by her husband she was fucked for life. More recently, she would get to at least keep the kids, and then she and her kids were fucked.
I find it weak reasoning to say men are afraid of dating and relationships. Like.... there is risk in life... So get hurt feelings... Maybe there is some financial risk... Ok. What's new? Men don't have ALL the control in a relationship so they can't possibly? I thought this was the strong sex? They sound like a bunch of babies making excuses not to grow up and not to live life. It's weird.
Yes men are strong, and tough, and that’s why society has made it this far. But they are not stupid, and that’s why they’re starting to check out of a game that has become rigged against them.
I mean, they're hurting themselves as much as anyone... So many men act like "Well, it serves women right!" But one, that's petty and self-defeating, and two, women could have easily made the same argument for many years....
I’m not sure many women had the option to sit it out back then. Probably a lot would have, if they could. Now, both men and women can just exit the game if they don’t like the odds. You can try to tell them “you’re missing out on so much” but I’m not sure they’re going to believe you when they look at their peers and the world around themselves.
True. I mean, there's a reason I never wanted to get married or have kids! Well, a number of reasons...
Here’s another way to put it. What advice do we give to young men now, sons, as their parents? 50-100 years ago our advice to daughters was avoid having sex and avoid marrying unless they were really, really sure. Because they got one shot and if it went wrong they were “ruined”. (Variants of this “don’t ruin your life advice are still being given to young women and girls.)
Now the roles are reversed, although culture and biology haven’t caught up with it yet. It’s happened in an evolutionary eyeblink but it’s now boys and young men who can easily ruined by a single sexual encounter or a hasty marriage. Pursuer and pursued have flipped. Both sexes are frustrated by the (straight) dating market that follows: their desires haven’t changed but the range of outcomes has flipped nearly 180. Women don’t like the men on offer because they’ve been mostly demasculinised. Men don’t like the women on offer because they’ve been mostly defeminised. Both sexes have warped expectations. Both have been taught to commodify the other. More so than ever in human history, women are shielded from the downsides by law, government, social mores and technology. More so than ever in human history, men are exposed to objectively greater risks. A “rational actor” might quite reasonably opt out of a game with so many ways to fail.
I honestly don’t know what to advise young men. Probably just to exit the culture and maybe try to find a more traditional culture where male/female differences are valued assets rather than denigrated liabilities.
I think men need to prioritize long term success, pleasure, fulfillment, and happiness over short term dopamine hits, and also that they should reject resentment and bitterness at the opposite sex. I'd suggest the same to women, generally, though I don't think they are suffering from the same dopamine seeking...
Yes but the odds are demonstrably bad for those long term goals, like, really bad, so to me it’s understandable they opt for the low risk dopamine stream. Which then turns them into zombies obviously. Or a middle way is to aim for those long term goals but just not in the company of women.