Has therapy been weaponized?
Join me live at 6PM PT/9PM ET for an AMA and to discuss the impact therapy and therapy language has had on our lives and relationships
“I’m setting a boundary.”
We hear this a lot these days. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Boundaries, in general, are good things! You don’t have to have relationships with people who make you miserable, or who want the worst for you, or who abuse you. But at the same time, are all the words and ideas we learned from therapy culture inherently good? Is it good to cut someone out immediately, because they do or say something that “triggers” you? Are we taking the concept of “boundaries” too far? Are there better ways to deal with anxiety, anger, frustration, and stress in our relationships with friends?
One thing that seems to have become normalized of late is the practice of asking friends whether or not they are capable of “holding space” for our problems. The idea of “consent” in friendships and asking for “consent” to speak about things that are happening in our lives or relationship problems, for example, is discussed as though speaking openly with friends is an intrusion. An article published on Substack explains:
Tense conversations — whether they’re about politics, the media, or personal issues — should always come with mutual consent. Just because they are in the mood to rant doesn’t mean you have the bandwidth to absorb it. A healthy friendship doesn’t demand constant availability.
If you wouldn’t barge into someone’s house uninvited, why is it okay to barge into their mental space the same way?
And, I mean, fair enough. I don’t want to be trapped in an argument about politics either, but frankly that’s not really what I talk about, for the most part, with friends. We talk about things that are happening in our lives, good and bad—family issues, relationship problems, work stuff, gossip about mutual friends, our cycles, the fact our neighbour keeps parking in front of our garage, etc. I just don’t think you should have to think that hard about the conversations you are having with friends. It shouldn’t be stressful. It should flow naturally, for the most part.
Obviously one should be considerate and thoughtful—dumping on someone endlessly while failing to ask how they are doing is rude and will likely lead to people not wanting to hang out with you. But what are friends for, if not relaxed conversation?
Is it ok to tell your friend, “I don’t want to hear you talk about [person’s name or topic of conversation]” anymore? Technically yes, but asking someone to never mention their boyfriend’s name again in conversation, for example, is a strange and probably impossible task.
This strikes me as a product of a generation that believes they can control the world around them—they are risk-averse, behaving as though leaving the house or answering the phone or going to work is a burden they should not be expected to take on, if it doesn’t feel entirely comfortable. They’ve learned that life should feel like being swaddled in a blanket, and that if it doesn’t, the thing causing the discomfort should be rejected in favour of “self-protection.”
Psychology jargon has become yet another tool people use to sound and feel as though they are saying meaningful things, while saying nothing at all.
The term “gaslighting” is used against those who disagree, the word “boundaries” is used to control the kinds of conversations that happen in our vicinity, it has become normalized to cut off family and friends who don’t share our politics and beliefs, or who voted for someone we don’t like.
Moreover, we are expected to farm out conversations about our lives and thoughts to paid professionals—strangers! It’s insane, if you think about it in a historical and global context, but fitting for a culture that has lost any understanding real community, and the value of friends and family. A generation that is making friends with AI and views socializing as a burden would believe that therapy is the answer, rather than doing the hard work of going out in the world to make connections and form relationships, which come with the risk of rejection, disappointment, and hurt, and who demand your time and energy.
What is therapy for, really? Is it a net good? Or a net bad? Has the industry gone too far? Who needs therapy and when? And for how long? Is something like the practice of Stoicism a better answer to anxiety?
I am making this stream a combination of this discussion and AMA, as I haven’t done an AMA in a long while, so welcome your questions about anything and everything—personal and professional—as well as your comments and thoughts about therapy and Stoicism. This is a paid-sub only stream! Join via the link below.