i actually met my current husband on Match—but, Match was nothing like dating apps now. Match kinda favored writers b/c you had to write about yourself and be able to “read” others (not just swipe on photos). it worked for us b/c neither of us GAF about dating and we’re both full of things to say.
i would’ve never done it but a friend of mine was internet dating and miserable with the guys she met. she said they ALL had 3 things in common: prominently displayed taxidermy, conceal carry permits, and herniated discs.
i asked to see her bio and found the problem: she said she loved fishing and the outdoors—bingo! i helped her edit the bio and picked guys out for her. i saw a guy who i thought was perfect for her, but she was NOT interested. his photo was and action shot of him belly-surfing on an exercise ball. i thought, “there’s a guy with the right attitude.”
she said, “he’s a dork, but since you’re so good at this, i’ll pay your membership fee and YOU give it a whirl.” challenged accepted…somehow i forgot that i’d just left my marriage of nearly 20 years; the divorce wasn’t final, AND i’ve never “dated.” i just met guys the way normal ppl do…in bars.
i did it to be a good friend. she was letting me crash at her house while i pulled myself back together.
the first “date” was an unattractive, unfunny, HS dropout version of Simon Pegg who installed residential security systems. at some point i used the word “hoary” b/c i couldn’t find the word “venerable” and he took great offense saying “are you trying to make me look stupid?” no dude, you’re doing a fine job on your own.
talked a nurse for a bit. found out he was a practicing Catholic. i’m a lapsed catholic. big nope.
then the guy i thought was perfect for my friend reached out to ME, and we texted back and forth for what became months. he lived an hour away, or 45 mins the way i drive. by now i had an apartment. he’d come over and chat and i made food. we’d text some more. i was deep into my own shit—reading and writing. i went over to his place and we sat on his porch looking at the trees drinking beer and smoking weed. just…basic. no porn addiction (unlike the ex). no addictions to anything. we had similar sense of humor and political takes.
AI boyfriend/girlfriend is definitely what's next on our roster before IRL dating. People are too unused to interacting IRL to do it if there's still a promise of a new tech solution to their loneliness looming.
We disagree on different things but I must agree with you on dating apps.
I’m a happily married gay man with an open relationship nearing three decades. I’ve used online forums BBs sites, web sites and apps to meet men on and off since the late 80’s. They go through a standard cycle we call in quantitative marketing a logistic growth curve - early slow adoption, rapid growth, saturation.
Web apps have a particular set of problems which make them both attractive but simultaneously useless, geo positioning. What they are for gay men is an amazing way of talking to people 2000 miles away. Generally speaking, you will not end up in bed with them. There a set of remarkable statistics about distance and time - the wider you open up your ability to chat, the audience you encounter grows by a factor of good old Pi - π - times the distance squared.
SF is about 50 square miles and 827500 people * 20% gay for around 3,300 gay men per square mile. If 10% are active in your immediate neighborhood yore chatting with 300 men.
Then look at Bay Area, not quite so dense. 1100 people/sq mile * 10% or 100 gay men per square mile, but the Bay Area is 1100 square miles - that’s 110,000 gay men to chat with online.
Take the US - around 100 * 5% gay men per square mile, or 5 * 3,500,000 =17,500,000 gay men to chat with.
If 10% are active that’s 175,000 men chatting on a sex app, and that’s all.
You’re not in SF going to chat with someone in Maine and meet. It’s improbable. But 175,000 men possibly reaching out to to - you could have 1 new contact a minute 24 hours a day and you’d never run out of chat buddies, and you’d never have sex.
How often would you actually meet?
Bar: see everyone in 5 minutes and 1/30 chance of meeting
Local app: take a few months of chatting with everyone and have a 1/300 chance.
SF Bay level: years of chatting, 1/110,000 chance
US level: never meet everyone, 1/185,000 chance of meeting but- nobody will meet you if you’re more than 10 miles away, chance drops exponentially.
The paradox, you take up time meeting people far away who you will never meet. Going to a bar you’d have 1/30 chance to meet, and it’s faster.
They’re awful. Filled with endless chat, but ending up eternally frustrating.
i actually met my current husband on Match—but, Match was nothing like dating apps now. Match kinda favored writers b/c you had to write about yourself and be able to “read” others (not just swipe on photos). it worked for us b/c neither of us GAF about dating and we’re both full of things to say.
i would’ve never done it but a friend of mine was internet dating and miserable with the guys she met. she said they ALL had 3 things in common: prominently displayed taxidermy, conceal carry permits, and herniated discs.
i asked to see her bio and found the problem: she said she loved fishing and the outdoors—bingo! i helped her edit the bio and picked guys out for her. i saw a guy who i thought was perfect for her, but she was NOT interested. his photo was and action shot of him belly-surfing on an exercise ball. i thought, “there’s a guy with the right attitude.”
she said, “he’s a dork, but since you’re so good at this, i’ll pay your membership fee and YOU give it a whirl.” challenged accepted…somehow i forgot that i’d just left my marriage of nearly 20 years; the divorce wasn’t final, AND i’ve never “dated.” i just met guys the way normal ppl do…in bars.
i did it to be a good friend. she was letting me crash at her house while i pulled myself back together.
the first “date” was an unattractive, unfunny, HS dropout version of Simon Pegg who installed residential security systems. at some point i used the word “hoary” b/c i couldn’t find the word “venerable” and he took great offense saying “are you trying to make me look stupid?” no dude, you’re doing a fine job on your own.
talked a nurse for a bit. found out he was a practicing Catholic. i’m a lapsed catholic. big nope.
then the guy i thought was perfect for my friend reached out to ME, and we texted back and forth for what became months. he lived an hour away, or 45 mins the way i drive. by now i had an apartment. he’d come over and chat and i made food. we’d text some more. i was deep into my own shit—reading and writing. i went over to his place and we sat on his porch looking at the trees drinking beer and smoking weed. just…basic. no porn addiction (unlike the ex). no addictions to anything. we had similar sense of humor and political takes.
and we just never stopped…talking.
AI boyfriend/girlfriend is definitely what's next on our roster before IRL dating. People are too unused to interacting IRL to do it if there's still a promise of a new tech solution to their loneliness looming.
Yeah so many have stopped making an effort to be out in the world, and just exist online in their apartments...
We disagree on different things but I must agree with you on dating apps.
I’m a happily married gay man with an open relationship nearing three decades. I’ve used online forums BBs sites, web sites and apps to meet men on and off since the late 80’s. They go through a standard cycle we call in quantitative marketing a logistic growth curve - early slow adoption, rapid growth, saturation.
Web apps have a particular set of problems which make them both attractive but simultaneously useless, geo positioning. What they are for gay men is an amazing way of talking to people 2000 miles away. Generally speaking, you will not end up in bed with them. There a set of remarkable statistics about distance and time - the wider you open up your ability to chat, the audience you encounter grows by a factor of good old Pi - π - times the distance squared.
SF is about 50 square miles and 827500 people * 20% gay for around 3,300 gay men per square mile. If 10% are active in your immediate neighborhood yore chatting with 300 men.
Then look at Bay Area, not quite so dense. 1100 people/sq mile * 10% or 100 gay men per square mile, but the Bay Area is 1100 square miles - that’s 110,000 gay men to chat with online.
Take the US - around 100 * 5% gay men per square mile, or 5 * 3,500,000 =17,500,000 gay men to chat with.
If 10% are active that’s 175,000 men chatting on a sex app, and that’s all.
You’re not in SF going to chat with someone in Maine and meet. It’s improbable. But 175,000 men possibly reaching out to to - you could have 1 new contact a minute 24 hours a day and you’d never run out of chat buddies, and you’d never have sex.
How often would you actually meet?
Bar: see everyone in 5 minutes and 1/30 chance of meeting
Local app: take a few months of chatting with everyone and have a 1/300 chance.
SF Bay level: years of chatting, 1/110,000 chance
US level: never meet everyone, 1/185,000 chance of meeting but- nobody will meet you if you’re more than 10 miles away, chance drops exponentially.
The paradox, you take up time meeting people far away who you will never meet. Going to a bar you’d have 1/30 chance to meet, and it’s faster.
They’re awful. Filled with endless chat, but ending up eternally frustrating.
mile squared while the number
Yeah it just seems like a big waste of time...